Having the Conversation
Whether it’s your first time or you’ve been together for years, talking with your partner about sex can seem hard. We are afraid to be assertive and to admit our concerns or fears. We’re worried that we might offend someone we care about, or that by bring up safer sex they’ll think we don’t trust them and get angry. Or, we may just be uncomfortable talking about sex at all, especially since in many cultures it’s the most taboo of subjects.
But communication is one of the most powerful tools we have to protect ourselves. Being open and honest about your and your partner’s sexual history shows that you do trust each other – and that you care about one another’s health and well-being.
Talk about whether you want to have sex. If you do want to, talk about what you’re comfortable doing and what you’re not. Discuss safer sex. Ask about your partner’s sexual history. Be willing to tell someone when you got tested, and ask the same question of him or her.
Negotiating safer sex is a conversation that every couple needs to have, and here’s how to go about doing it.
Know what safer sex is all about
Before you can talk to your partner about having safer sex, you first need to make sure you know what it is. Safer sex includes practices that reduce or eliminate contact with anyone else’s body fluids (like semen, blood, vaginal fluids, and/or discharge from open sores). All these fluids can carry viruses and/or bacteria that cause STIs, and semen can cause pregnancy.
Some safer sex practices include:
- Kissing
- Erotic massage
- Masturbation (touching yourself)
- Sexual stimulation of a partner using a hand
- Oral sex using a condom or a dental dam
- Vaginal or anal sex using a condom
Decide what practices you will and will not engage in
First of all, decide what you are comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable. Don’t engage in any sexual behavior that makes you uncomfortable, but always protect yourself. Remember, the more you engage in safer sex practices, the less your risk of STIs and pregnancy.
Communicate with your partner!
This is the part that many people find the most challenging. However, being ready for the conversation by having it your thoughts and correct information already prepared will make it easier to initiate the conversation and stand up for your beliefs.
Remember to open the conversation without accusations. This isn’t about what you or he/she did wrong, but about what will be right for both of your. Anticipate your partner’s potential reactions and arguments, and think through how you will deal with them. For example, if a male partner says that condoms will “lessen the feeling” of sex, explain that condoms are made of an extremely thin material shouldn’t lessen his pleasure. Some condoms are specifically made to heighten sensation, and in fact, many men say that using condoms helps them to stay erect longer!
Your partner may appreciate your viewpoint and respond positively. Or, he/she may feel that suggesting safer sex indicates a lack of trust. Remind them that this is not about a lack of trust, and tell your partner how you feel about him/her. Say that your desire for safer sex means you care about both of you. Explain that you will feel much more comfortable when you don’t have to worry about the risk of STIs or pregnancy.
Check out some pamphlets, websites, or books about safer sex practices.
If after explaining your views in a positive, non-accusing manner you and your partner still cannot agree on this crucial issue, then it is important to think about the relationship as a whole, and whether your partner respects and cares about you. Remember, no one should ever ask you to compromise your health and well-being!
Follow through on your choices
Make sure you actually live up to the promise you have made yourself and your partner to practice safer sex. Even if your partner agrees you, you are responsible for your own health. So, instead of hoping that your partner remembers to bring the condoms or dental dams, have your own available. Remember that alcohol might lower your inhibitions or provide an excuse to engage in practices you wouldn’t if you were sober; so keep the consumption of alcohol to a minimum for the most satisfying and safe intimate experience.
Express gratitude to your partner
Let your partner know you are grateful for his/ her sense of responsibility and for considering your feelings regarding safer sex. Encourage your partner to continue healthy behaviors and practices.
Communicating your needs, fears, and desires to your partner may not be the easiest thing to do. But in the case of safer sex, it could be a conversation that will prevent years of heartache and regret and even save your life!
Tips for Talking to Your Partner About Sex, Safer Sex, and Choosing Not to Have Sex
Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind:
- Choose a convenient time when you will both be free of distractions. It’s easier to have an open and honest conversation when you are both free to focus on the discussion – not when you’re caught up in the heat of the moment.
- Choose a relaxing environment in a neutral location, like a coffee bar or a park, where neither of you will feel pressured.
- Use “I” statements when talking. For example, I feel that choosing not to have sex is right for me at this time. Or, I would feel more comfortable if we used a condom.
- Be assertive! Do not let fear of how your partner might react stop you from talking with him/her.
- Be a good listener. Let your partner know that you hear, understand, and care about what she/he is saying and feeling.
- Be “ask-able”—let your partner know you are open to questions and that you won’t jump on him/her or be offended by questions.
- Be patient with your partner, and remain firm in your decision that talking is important.
- Recognize your limits. You can’t communicate alone or protect you both alone, and you don’t have to know all the answers.
- Understand that success in talking does not mean one person getting the other person to do something. It means that you both have said what you think and feel respectfully and honestly and that you have both listened respectfully to the other.
- Get information to help you each make informed decisions.
- Avoid making assumptions. Ask open-ended questions to discuss your expectations for the relationship, past and present sexual relationships, contraceptive use, and testing for STIs, including HIV, among other issues. For example, What do you think about our agreeing to avoid sex until after we graduate? Or, What do you think about our using hormonal contraception as well as condoms? Not, Did you get the condoms? Or, When will you have sex with me?
- It’s okay if you don’t understand something right away. Try asking more questions, or asking the same question in a few different ways. Ask questions to clarify what you believe you heard. For example, I think you said that you want us to use both condoms and birth control pills? Is that right? Or, I think you want us both to wait until we graduate to have sex? Is that right?
- Avoid judging, labeling, blaming, threatening or bribing your partner. Don’t let your partner judge, label, blame, threaten, or bribe you.
- Do not wait until you become sexually intimate to discuss safer sex with your partner. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner may be unable to talk effectively.
- Stick by your decision. Don’t be swayed by lines like, If you loved me, you would have sex with me. Or, If you loved me, you would trust me and not use a condom.
H/T: Amplify
